Growing up, I exhibited extreme confidence in my future. I believed that I would get somewhere: somewhere more and somewhere better than where I came from. I always had the feeling that I was meant for something greater. Unfortunately, that feeling didn’t always match up with my effort to get to there. I relied heavily on excuses and left my potential widely untapped. In high school, I actually had a teacher pull me aside to tell me that I was holding myself back. Instead of being mad at the confrontation, I privately justified my behavior. There were too many external factors at play that was making the playing field uneven for me. I looked at my peers judgmentally and jealously, because of their ease at life. Of course, I wasn’t excelling the way I should be, I was busy trying to survive, I thought. 

This mentality resulted in me fumbling the ball (of life) time and time again. I let opportunities slip and regressed while others kept moving forward. I wish I could say that I’ve changed completely, but I haven’t. Truth be told, I’m still upset that I needed to work harder to get to the same place as others around me. I told this to my therapist once and she said that the way I was feeling was normal. That I was facing burnout at a younger age because I had an early start at taking care of myself. I needed and appreciated that validation, but it didn’t solve my issue. Asking others for pity wasn’t going to result in success. Regardless of my circumstance, I will need to keep working to get to the places that I want to be. 

As I’m nearing thirty and trying to imagine my future, I lack the confidence that I once had. I look at other applicants in the field I’m trying to work towards and easily get discouraged. How can I compete with those who have college degrees at highly regarded colleges or those with years of experience at a top organization? How can I push myself to write and make something amazing when I feel like I have nothing new to offer? I know that the answer is to look inward again and recognize that I have the ability to work harder and tap into that potential. I have to remember that excuses won’t bring me what I want for my life and that they certainly won’t pay the bills. 

In a world full of obstacles, don’t allow yourself to be one. That is the mentality that I am trying to move forward with. My path may be uneven, but it is still achievable, and that is the biggest takeaway.